This blog post is brought to you by Hilary T., Oro Valley Public Library, who is a founding member of the Synapse Team.
What Pema Chödrön Has Taught Me About Showing Kindness and Compassion to Myself
Recently I’ve been listening to Buddhist nun, Pema Chödrön, on the Library’s Libby app. While Pema has so much to teach on all kinds of topics, I found the most valuable lesson for me has been one of self-compassion and self-kindness. I am entirely the kind of person who is apt to extend kindness towards everyone but myself. Someone asked me once, “Would you be as hard on a friend as you are on yourself?” I replied, “Of course not!” Everyone deserved kindness in my view except me. I expected more of myself. I had high standards and incredibly unreachable goals of perfection. It turns out this attitude is very bad for our mental health. The better way to think is that everyone deserves kindness, including you!
Of course, that’s true. However, it was hard to know where to start. How can I be more loving and more kind towards myself? Here are some tips from Pema that I’ve found handy:
You are the sky. Everything else—it’s just the weather.
Pema teaches the impermanence of all of life, both good and bad things. My great grandmother used to say, “This too shall pass.” It’s so true! Nothing is forever. Accept that your emotions, both negative and positive, will also pass. Don’t run away. Just breathe and observe your emotions. Apply curiosity. Where do you feel this emotion in your body? If it had a color what color would it be? It may take time (especially with strong emotions like anger, intense sadness, or anxiety) but just stay with it. Learn to be patient with it. This is what is known as the path of the brave ones. Meditation teaches us that it’s okay to feel your emotions. You are the sky. Your emotions are like the weather. Just as the blue sky is always there behind the clouds and storms, so are you. This too shall pass. Breathe deeply and refrain from judging yourself. Be kind to yourself in reminding yourself that everything is always changing. This being said, if the anger, sadness or anxiety you are feeling is intense and constant you may find it helpful to speak with your doctor. Therapy and medications can really be beneficial. Your doctor can guide you to the options that are right for you.
Feel the feelings and drop the story.
Have you ever caught yourself running a storyline through your head? About something that hasn’t even happened yet? Maybe you had an argument with someone, and you start imagining the conversation you might have with that person in the future? Drop the story. Breathe and feel the feeling that brings you. Have curiosity about where you feel it in your body. Wait for it to pass. It will once you drop the story. Are you ever hard on yourself? Judgmental of yourself? Drop the story, feel the feeling, don’t increase your own suffering. Apply Maitrī, a word that means “loving kindness” to this situation. You don’t need to suffer more.
Put the fearful mind in the cradle of loving kindness.
This quote is actually from Pema’s teacher, Trungpa Rinpoche. In any situation, with ourselves or others, the answer is loving kindness. Especially when we are scared we need to be extremely loving and gentle with ourselves. This brings to mind self-kindness and self-compassion. With the application of loving kindness you can feel the stress begin to melt, like ice. Just like ice melts you may trust that kindness will melt the fear, little by little. Breathe deeply. Apply curiosity to this feeling without judgement. Some of Maitrī is also being a friend to yourself. This can be a difficult idea to some of us, so think of someone you love wholeheartedly, tenderly. This might be a child or a friend who you love no matter what. Try to love yourself like that.
“We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.”
This one was harder for me to understand. How can I make room for emotions? The closest I could get is to be an observer of my own emotions. After I meditate, do yoga, hear something wise or take a walk in nature I observe my own relief. With those experiences there’s a bigness of mind about them, a feeling of expansiveness, a lessening of emotional intensity, a feeling that I have gained a great deal of perspective and roominess to take in the world. I think it’s that kind of room we are looking for. What also helps is not to grasp at controlling everything, which is our tendency of ego and what we do when things feel out of control. Allow expansiveness by taking deep breaths, letting go of the story, returning to our friend, the breath. It’s going to be okay. Be kind to yourself.
If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it's fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there's an arrow in your heart.
Again, what is the answer? Loving kindness to ourselves. Of course, when we are hurt we are in pain. That’s understandable. Beneath anger there is always a softer emotion. Try to get at that softer emotion. Is it sadness? Is it a physical feeling in your body? Is it fear? Apply loving kindness and compassion to that emotion. Try to get in touch with the softer emotion underneath the anger. Tend to your wound. Ask yourself what you need to heal. Then go do that.
What you do for yourself, any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself, will affect how you experience your world. In fact, it will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you’re doing for others, and what you do for others, you’re doing for yourself.
Some of Maitrī is honesty with yourself, because this too is a kindness. Knowing how interconnected we all are, especially in an era of globalization and fast communication, our kindness is in great need. Just as you can toss a pebble into a pond and watch the ripples go out, so you have to know that the kindness you show yourself and others will similarly go into the world in ever widening circles of influence. The goal is not to add to the suffering of the world. That includes you and me. Showing kindness to ourselves and to others decreases suffering. Lessening our own suffering and the suffering of others are both noble aims. They are the fruit of kindness that appears naturally when compassion is extended to all.
Don’t worry about achieving. Don’t worry about perfection. Just be there each moment as best you can.
This one really speaks to me as I am a perfectionist. What I am learning is that it is not your perfection that is required, but your presence. I’m learning to take life one moment at a time, appreciating it, and letting it go. By being mindful I am learning that there is no bad time that lasts forever. By being mindful of the gift of each moment I am learning to be grateful for every good and gracious thing. I find myself articulating my appreciation of life more often because I am present to notice all the good things too. The smell of hot apple pie. The sound of laughter. The sky at night. All these things were there for me. I just had to be present to them. This is a kindness towards myself that I take the time to stop and notice the beauty in life.
Rest, hydrate and be good to yourself, my friends. You matter so much. Be kind to yourself.
Recommended reading/listening
The The Pema Chödrön Audio Collection
Other ways to be kind to yourself
- Ready to connect with a mental health professional? Visit the You Are Not Alone, Pima County Health Department to be connected with COPE Community Services.
- In a crisis? Text HOME to 741741
- Need further support? Call (520) 622-6000 to be connected to the Crisis Response Network.
- Suicide Hotline: dial 988 to be connected immediately to someone who can provide free, confidential support 24/7.
- The Trevor Project provides 24/7 support to the LGBTQIA+ community. Call 1-866-488-7386 or text “Start” to 678-678 to be connected to a counselor.
